A few years ago, I was working in an organization, where there were a lot of female colleagues mostly much elder to me. One day during lunch I was asked by one of them why I wasn’t wearing the traditional Bengali red and white bangles, being a married woman. My curt reply of “Because I don’t like bangles”, stopped any other conversation (at least in front of me) regarding what a married woman should and should not wear to convey that she is married. I mused later though about why the same questions aren’t asked of men in our country. Most Indian men don’t wear any symbol of marriage and yet they are never asked about it, I wonder why? If marriage needs symbols than the same symbols should be applicable to both the sexes.
A friend, who works in the education sector for rural children, has to be decked in these symbols of marriage, whenever she is at site working with male colleges in her office, because otherwise she is not taken seriously or becomes an easy prey for untoward advances. Why is it still so difficult to treat a woman either married or not married as an individual first? Marriage is not what a woman or man is, it is not their identity, it is a part of who they are, like many other things about them. As such judging a person by these symbols of marriage they wear or don’t is grossly wrong.
A woman, who does not flaunt pictures of her spouse on social networking sites, is asked questions about it. Does a woman always have to be someone’s sister, someone’s mother or someone’s wife in order to have an identity? Society has always followed clichés, the idea that a woman flaunting the symbols of marriage is faithful to her marriage and those who don’t aren’t, is a bit weird.
Is it so difficult to understand that a woman might have an identity of her own other than that of marriage, children and family, that which is only hers, and that which she can have in spite of having a loving family. Is it so difficult to imagine that a woman who does not wear a Mangalsutra (A type of necklace for married women in India) on her neck or sindur( vermillion) on her forehead in the name of her husband can be equally devoted to her husband because love for your husband or your wife does not need the person to carry a placard round their necks saying ‘I’m married & I love my husband’.
Is there any guarantee that a woman who is covered in these symbols of marriage shall remain devoted to her marriage and love her family as she should? Isn’t it about time that women are given the dignity they deserve in love, relationships and marriage and not make it a show of faithfulness by cradling them with these symbols of marriage? Both love and marriage are private subjective and sacred and their sanctity depends on the individuals capacity to give it the dignity it deserves by nourishing it and making it work with love and respect and for that, no symbol of marriage is really required.
Anupam Singh
Maitreyee, i always like reading your articles and so was this one.
i have a somewhat differing viewpoint to yours. Symbolism do have their importance, be it in a wedlock or a separated couple. Not because, it establishes some facts but it rather strengthens the cultural identity. Take for example the touching of feet of your elders. We have many among us who look at it as something mean or unwarranted, whereas for me, it is more of an enforcement of our unique age-old tradition of showing reverence to my elders. & so is the case with many other traditional acts.
You are true when you say that wearing marital symbols never guarantee a devotion towards the husband. At the same time, not displaying a Mangalsutra or Bangles should never raise an eyebrow. I agree that symbolism should not have an impact of a magnitude that it defines your identity, so much so that it brings you in a darker light. Following traditional symbolism should never be out of compulsion, but a matter of individual Choice.
However Maitreyee, you have taken this fight of Symbolic equality to an altogether different plane. I personally feel, Women Liberalization is a bigger concern than Gender equality. In fact, Men & Women are not the same and can never be. Women are a special set quite different from Men. She must be proud of her uniqueness, strengths, attributes and above all her gender. You can check out my take on this topic on